When I Remember
by Julri
Summary: Gemma accepts her fate, even if it means leaving behind what she loves the most.


I've always like to think that I wasn't chosen for anything in particular, but I know that I was. Still, of all the people in the world, I feel that I should not have been chosen for the great things I was destined for.

When Circe died, I cried. Here was this woman who had killed my mother and betrayed me. And yet, I remembered how she had been a friend to me. Not just a fake, but someone who genuinely liked me. And, when my we both entered the realms and magic burst forth from my fingers, withering her away into nothingness, I shouted out.  
Cried. Felicity had to pull me away and lead me back into the "real" world.

Then, when the Order rejoined and asked me to be their leader, I declined. I had done too much already. I didn't want to put further danger on my life or to do anything to make myself stand out more than I already did.

And when an old woman from the Order came to me and gave me that sad, fateful news that I can barely speak of, I didn't fight it. I accepted it.

The news was this: I, Gemma Doyle, was meant for even greater things. I was meant to help destroy the Winterlands and all of the bad creatures of the realms. But, I was not to do it myself. My daughter was.

At the time, I was seventeen. I was not married and had no children. But, somehow the woman knew that my daughter would grow up to be a sorceress, and she alone could save the realms.

"Alright," I said. "I'll do what I must."

The woman gave me strict orders. She told me that she's seen my future husband in a vision. She described him and his surroundings. Everything she knew. And I almost laughed out loud when I realized that the person she was speaking of was Simon.  
Simon who I had decided I did not love. Simon who would surely hate me now.

Surprisingly, we did become friends again. I said that I was sorry for everything, and he gave me a radiant smile. the kind that make him look beautiful. And, when he proposed,  
I accepted.

Not only did I accept him, but I accepted fate.

Of course, Ann and Felicity were overjoyed. They helped me plan the wedding completely. "Oh, Gemma! You'd look just lovely in this gown! Oh, or this one! Look!"

Even Tom was helpful. He walked me down the isle (Father had died shortly after my seventeenth birthday) and even danced with poor Ann, not making a fuss of how we had lied about her in the past.  
But, I will not lie and say that everyone was happy about it. I only saw him once during this and I will not go through the painful conversation we had. But, I suppose it's necessary to tell the whole truth.

Kartik and I met late at night, when no one else was around. It was cold outside and I could almost see my warmth leaving me. I greeted him, but he didn't say anything back.  
Instead, he scowled. "Gone back to him, hmm?"

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Instead, I just nodded. Telling him about why I was marrying Simon would only complicate matters more. It was better if I just allowed him to think that I truly loved Simon. End of story.

"Fine. Fine with me," he said, but I could tell it wasn't.

I tried to explain things to him. I said that he shouldn't act so jealous and pretend that he actually loved me. Those two words got to him: act and pretend. "Do you think I've just been pretending this whole time? Do you think you mean nothing to me?"

I pursed my lips. "Well, you sure showed it well. Practically stalking me and almost killing me."

He was about to yell, but instead he froze. Then, those terrible words came out of him mouth. "Gemma, I love you."

I wanted him then more than ever. I wanted to tell him that he was right and that we should be together. I wanted to tell him that we could run away together and that I'd love him forever. But, I didn't.

"Well, too bad, because I don't love you."

And then I turned away and never saw him again.

It's been years since then. My daughter is nearly grown up, now. She's proving to be very powerful and I'm sure that she, if anyone, can save the realms. And even Simon,  
though he has long since realized that I do not love him, adores our daughter and would do anything for her. On the outside, I'm sure my life looks simply perfect. I know that I did the best thing. The best thing for the Order and the best thing for my friends.

But, it's on cold nights when it just begins to snow and it's dark outside when I remember my past and what I've given up. When I look to the sky and wonder what happened and if there was any other way. When I think I see a figure in a black cloak watching me. When I remember what it was like to love. 


End file.
